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Series Finale

June 23rd, 2009

Cooper is officially weaned.   This is not the dramatic statement it was when I was finally able to say that Kenny was weaned.   Kenny would have nursed round the clock until he was in grade school, if I had let him.   In fact, at Kenny’s 1 year check up, the doctor gently told me that I should really start pushing solid food before nursing him, instead of after, or he was never going to learn to eat.   The kid loved Mama Milk, and I had plenty to share, what can I say?   I finally got him to kick the habit when he was 14 and a half months old; we were on vacation with my in-laws, and they provided distraction enough (and sweets enough!) to make it through the process.

Different story with Cooper.   I just didn’t have the same milk supply this time around.   At 5 months I had to start giving him a bottle of formula at bedtime, because there just wasn’t anything there by the end of the day.   Once he hit nine months and started his love affair with any and all foods I offered him, his nursing went down to first thing in the morning, and right before morning nap.   Then for this past month, it’s only been a little comfort nursing right before his nap, and then suddenly, four days ago, he was done.   There was just nothing there to give him.   Fortunately he’s such a good eater that he hardly seemed to notice.

Until last night.   For some reason at bedtime, he decided that he wanted to nurse.   He started to wail and cry, “Mamam-mil!   Mamam-mil!”   I dissolved into tears of my own.   It’s such a sense of loss when the nursing is over.   And and even greater loss when this time around, it wasn’t necessarily because I was ready, but rather because my body was just through.   And at that moment, I felt like a failure as a mother.

I have read a bit about the shift in hormones that your body goes through when you cease lactation, and I’ve got to admit that I’ve felt far worse this week than any post-partum hormones I may have gone through.   I’ve felt inadequate, humiliated, embarrassed and  self-conscious.   Extreme emotions, I know, but most stemming from the fact that I just wasn’t as good at nursing Cooper as I was with Kenny.   I felt often like my body was betraying me; that I wasn’t even able to keep up with what I was biologically created to do.

I have also been very sad in the last few days over the babies that we lost to miscarriages nearly two years ago.   Partly because I’m coming up on the anniversary of my second miscarriage, and  partly because I’m turning 35 on Thursday.   For whatever reason, 35 is that magic number that the OB world decided was the beginning of the “high-risk” phase of fertility.   It’s the point where your chances of conceiving go down, and chances of miscarriage (and of problems with  the baby) go up.   Casey and I do want another baby, but I suddenly feel the *tick*tock* of the body clock getting louder.    

Sorry to be such a downer tonight.   I promise to think of something funny to write tomorrow.

8 Comments »

  1. Katy says

    Pretty cool post. I just found your site and wanted to say
    that I have really liked reading your posts. In any case
    I’ll be subscribing to your blog and I hope you write again soon!

    June 23rd, 2009 | #

  2. your dad says

    I! love you

    June 24th, 2009 | #

  3. Kimmie says

    I wish you would have talked to me about that yesterday… Kristin weaned herself at 5.5 months and I felt like I wasn’t providing for her the same way I did for KT (who went 12 months)… but my body too, gave up and stopped producing… no matter how hard I tried. It wasn’t until then (the 5.5 months post partum) that I sunk to an all time low of PPD… it didn’t help that husband was deployed then either… TALK TO ME SIS! I’m here!! 😛

    June 24th, 2009 | #

  4. Sarah says

    There could be way worse things than weaning earlier than your had planned (trust me, I am going through it!). And think of it in terms of how long Cooper got to nurse and all of the good nutrition you gave him. That is so much more than a lot of babies get! You are doing a great job!

    June 24th, 2009 | #

  5. your dad says

    It was I love you!

    Happy birthday! Could not be 35,:shock:Parents too young::smile:

    June 25th, 2009 | #

  6. Claudia says

    What you need to do is pat yourself on the back for the fact that you breastfed your child for almost a year! Many women opt to not breastfeed their babies (others just can’t because of medical reasons), breastfeeding in my opinion is the best unselfish act a mother can do for the overall health of their babies. Yes – there is engorgement, multiple feedings during the night, the smell of milk in our hair, clothes and all over our bodies, the letdowns when ever you are in public and all other aspects involved when breastfeeding that does not sound pleasing to some women who prefer to bottle feed. I do remember the OBs stating that 35 yrs old is the beginning of high risk pregnancies for both the baby and mother, but according to my knowledge and research I believe this is not the case for women who are ahead of the curve. The women that detoxify exercise and eat a great balanced diet consisting mostly of raw foods – fruits, vegetables, sprouts, nuts, seeds, grains, and other organic/natural foods that have not been processed. Doing this will almost ensure that you have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child beyond 35 years old. But don’t take my word for it though, do your research and you can find out for yourself that you have many great childbearing years ahead :smile:! Also, I have read in other blogs that when babies are weaned and then want to start breastfeeding again the mother lets them breastfeed, at first no milk shows up but after a couple of days it does, I don’t know if you want to try that but just wanted to let you know. Have a great birthday and be proud of yourself!

    June 25th, 2009 | #

  7. Chris says

    I think it is great you did it as long as you did.

    I wanted to invite you to my mommy board
    http://www.chatterscene.com

    June 25th, 2009 | #

  8. Sweet Pea's Momme says

    What courage to post such a tramatic event. I lost Kristopher to a miscarriage at 7 months and it was a heart-rencher!!!!

    Now I have Sweet Pea and she is gorgeous inside and out. The health insurance company gave me a nurse that called me every three weeks to check on my progress all because I was 36 when I conceived. I ate right, did what the dr’s and nurses suggested and she came into the world healthy and alert without and health care risks and i thank God for that!

    July 12th, 2009 | #

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