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Finding Normal

April 22nd, 2007

I am so ready for things to get back to “normal.” The mere fact that my 19-month-old sweetheart now says the following makes my heart ache: “Mama hold you! No….. Mama owies. Daddy home hold you!” Traslation : he wants me to pick him up, but knows, even as he’s asking, that I still can’t, and also knows that as soon as Daddy gets home, he will pick him up and hold him. He also now points to the freezer and says, “Mama peas on owies!” because I am still icing my torn abdominal incision every hour or so with a big bag of frozen peas.

None of this, however, has deterred his exuberant spirit…

april 21 001.jpg

This morning in church, there was a moment during silent prayer that I started to loose it. I started crying and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stop. We have been through so much, so close together, that I can’t even process it all. I can’t get my mind wrapped around one thing, because the next thing happens. I can’t grieve the things we’ve been through because we’ve been too busy dealing with the next thing that comes along. I am just tired of all this… I want to have the brain space to contemplate what’s for dinner or time to mop the floor, instead of time to ice incisions, fret over each mosquite bite that Kenny gets and see hospital statement after statement as they start arriving in the mail.

I want to write about Kenny’s hysterical antics and Dudley’s rascally escapades again. I want to express days of happiness, yet I feel like I am getting too bogged down to laugh at the little things. I guess I just need to work at reclaiming my small everyday joys. Maybe there is a time to forget the big picture and just focus on the little triumphs as they come. Maybe one day I’ll look back on these past two months and scarcely believe that it all happened. Maybe I’ll get to a point where it’s faded to something I can barely remember.

In the meantime, I will just have to rest in the love of my family and know that God has all this in His hands, and no matter how dreary things look in the present, He has all of this divinely planted into His big picture.

5 Comments »

  1. mommyknight says

    I will be there tonight and hopefully give you some time to your self while I play with my boy. you can reflect while we play and walk and go to the park. i love you, Mommie

    April 23rd, 2007 | #

  2. Suzi says

    Rest is the word of the day! Rest your little body and rest in not having to figure all of this season out. You are correct- none of it will be wasted. Now- I wil give you something for you to pray for this Mamma about: Our John has been deployed and leaves for Iraq (via Ft Dix) in June with his National Guard unit. He will be in the Bahgdad area for a year. He is a 1st Lieutenant and platoon leader in an Infantry unit. Sending my firstborn to war is not natural for this non-military family, but I know that this is what he has trained up to do. So I too rest, knowing that I will be given the grace that I will need for each day on the day I need it and not before.
    If you and the fam are home Memorial Day weekend (on the Sat. night)- we are having his send off family party. Maybe you all could swing by and say goodbye.
    Anyway- I think of you and pray for you each day my sweet friend!
    Love, Suzi

    April 23rd, 2007 | #

  3. Milaka says

    I am praying for a quick and thorough healing for you. Yes, you will look back on all of this and marvel at how God helped you through it. You will survive and you will become closer to Him. And you will be able to minister to others who are enduring trials. I am so glad that you have such a strong faith and can rest in His arms.

    April 23rd, 2007 | #

  4. LanceyPants says

    I’d really like to come up with something deep and comforting to write, but I’m at a loss. Honestly, your transparency and vulnerability (as always) have comforted and lifted up me. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers!

    April 23rd, 2007 | #

  5. Crisanne says

    I hope that this season is coming to an end for you guys and that God’s peace will continue to build in you. BTW, Blaine loved this picture of Kenny. He kept pointing at it saying “Baby! Silly Baby! Silly!” (He calls any kid around his age or younger a baby.)

    April 24th, 2007 | #

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