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Baby Mine

October 22nd, 2007

Today is the due date for the baby that we lost in March.   I have carried around a lump in my throat since waking and I feel like there is a brick sitting on my chest.   It’s not that I haven’t grieved in one way or another since that day we lost him, but there’s a more real sense of loss knowing that today is the day I would have met this new little one.

Casey had a piece of jewelry made for me… it is three pendants: the middle is yellow gold with an emerald cut diamond and the two on each side is white gold with princess diamonds… He designed it from Isaiah 49:18 which says, “…all your sons gather and come to you… you will wear them all as ornaments.”   The center pendant is for this baby, due today, and the two on each side for the twins that we lost in July.   It is the most beautiful necklace I’ve ever seen, though wrapped in it’s beauty is the sadness I carry, knowing that I will never hold those children on this earth.  

I don’t have much else to say.   Kenny and I have kept busy today sitting in the backyard blowing bubbles and wading on the sandy beach in our backyard below our bulkhead, thanks to an extra-low tide and an 80 degree day.     I’ve let mind-numbing housework devour the quiet of his naptime.   And I look forward with hope to another little one some day…

9 Comments »

  1. Julie says

    Thank you for always being so transparent with your readers… even when it hurts so much. My heart grieves for the reminder of your loss, but I have hope in the Lord’s faithfulness to you and your sweet family as well.

    October 22nd, 2007 | #

  2. Victoria says

    I think it’s beautiful that your husband found such a wonderful way to help you keep a tiny bit of their sparkle with you on this earth and I love that you grabbed hold of some joy with your little guy today. I’m praying for God’s peace to be with you on this difficult day.

    October 22nd, 2007 | #

  3. katie says

    I’ve never commented on a blog I just stumbled over, but I’m sad and sorry for your loss and wanted you to know it. You’re in my prayers today.

    October 22nd, 2007 | #

  4. Milaka says

    God is faithful. He gives and He takes away.

    The due date for the baby I lost was the day we buried my grandfather. Now this sounds like a double-dose of sadness, but it wasn’t. My grandfather was a believer who lived a full and wonderful life. I was very close to him. Had I actually given birth on that day, I would have missed his funeral. As it turned out, I was able to sing and to speak a tribute to the most wonderful grandfather in the world. God was so gracious to grant me that. (And I had to borrow a somber colored maternity dress for the occasion, too, as I was four months pregnant.)

    Thank you for sharing your struggles and your joys. We’re with you!

    October 22nd, 2007 | #

  5. Randi says

    Sometimes I wonder why it is SO easy for others to conceive yet for others it’s beyond hard. Sometimes life can be so unfair. I am deeply sorry for your losses and admire your honesty and strength. I don’t have any answers or words that will take the ache away, Lord knows if I did I would tell them to myself as well. I pray that someday soon God blesses you with yet another beautiful strong healthy pregnancy and baby. All we can do is cling to Him, trust that He has a perfect plan for us, and hold onto His Word. Hugs and Blessings to You!

    October 22nd, 2007 | #

  6. Christina says

    😥 I’m sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. Just remember God does things for a reason. Although we do not know the the motive behind it or understand why he does things the way he does, theres always an explanation for it. You need to know that its okay to grieve. You’ll go through many cycles of it and then one day you’ll sit there and know you’ve made it through your tough time and every things going to get better. It might seem selfish to you but ask God to help you through this time. The lord will help if you ask for it. One day when the times right he’ll bless you with another child. I don’t want you to feel like it was your fault that you lost your child either. This is what my doc. told me…if your going to have a miscarriage theres nothing you can do to save the baby. its going to happen no matter what. Its your bodies way of saying it can handle this right now. Its a part of life. I hope as more days go by you’ll feel better. Ill keep you in my thought. All blessings with you and your family.

    October 23rd, 2007 | #

  7. Alicia says

    Oh sweet Kristjana, I’m so sorry. Thank you for your amazing vulnerability in sharing. I pray God surrounds you with peace and comfort.

    October 24th, 2007 | #

  8. Jennifer says

    I will keep you in my thoughts and in my prayers. I remember what you went through. I hope that will someday soon feel the joy of bringing another bundle of joy home in to your home.

    October 24th, 2007 | #

  9. julie says

    I am so sorry, I know it is a pain that never completely disappears. You sound so strong
    and I am sure that will pull you through

    October 25th, 2007 | #

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