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From My Heart

March 10th, 2007

Thank you for the emails and comments you have sent.   They mean so much to me.   It is amazing to see the love and sympathy of so many strangers.

Physically I am doing ok.   Emotionally I am not so good.   This isn’t the sort of thing you ever expect to happen, and even if you  have known  friends  who have lost a baby, the true impact is impossible to imagine unless it happens to you.   I have had several friends and acquaintences who have miscarried, but before now, however awful it may have seemed, it was nothing compared to the empty pain I am now feeling.   My belly is swollen from the contractions Thursday night  and the saline IV, my hormones are still confused about what’s going on, and my heart is broken.

If there has to be something good to come out of all of this, it is the fact that Casey and I have been brought closer than ever.   We have spent many hours talking about how we feel, crying in each others’ arms, praying, asking questions  and, alternately, staring off into space and trying to forget it all.   He has been my rock in these last few hellish days.   He is an amazing man, full of a love and compassion that I hadn’t ever seen the depths of until now.   To see his hurt and pain makes it real to me that this precious child was already an emotional part of our family.

My emotions are all over the spectrum right now.   Some are healthy and some are not.   I am angry, I am sad and bewildered.   I am scared, confused and numb.   I don’t want to talk to anyone I know about it, except Casey.   I am dreading our trip to Casey’s  brother’s wedding, simply because I don’t know if I can stand any extra-long, sympathetic hugs from our family.   I want to eat and drink so much that I can’t feel anything.  And I want to never eat again because maybe then I can shrink and disappear.   I know that there are so many things that are so much worse that could happen to a family, and yet if someone else says that to me, I  might strangle them.   I want to go out dancing and be beautiful and pretend I was never pregnant.   I want to crawl into the shower and let the hot water beat over my head for an hour until it washes away the pain.   More than anything, though, I want everything to be fine again, and be pregnant again with the little child that was going to be born in October.

Kenny, thank God, doesn’t understand anything of what happened.   He is, in fact, sick today with a little viral infection that he undoubtably picked up in the eight hours he spent in the ER on Thursday night.   He is happy as ever though, even throwing up and exhausted.   He is an angel.   A gift.   The child we weren’t sure that we could ever even have.   And I am comforted by that.   And I am comforted to know that nothing I can ever go through on this earth can come close to separating me from the love of the Father.   No pain I have felt is foreign to Christ, who bore  the pain of all generations so that we might belong to his Kingdom in Heaven.   God knows exactly how I feel, good and bad, and He knew that all of this would happen, even before any of it did.   His story is bigger than mine, and His Word is always true.   Even as I mentally beat my head against a wall, I know that He is there, holding me in His arms.   And He is holding my child in His arms, too.

8 Comments »

  1. Aunt Syl says

    Kristjana, Your maturity leaves me speechless. Your insight and ability to express yourself so eloquently is truly a gift from God. Everyone who has ever lost a baby will be able to identify with every emotion you have expressed – your gift is that most will be unable to express themselves verbally and you have done so for them.
    I leave you tonight with one of my favorite Psalms: Psalm 46
    God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
    Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
    though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

    March 11th, 2007 | #

  2. LanceyPants says

    Thank you so much for you transparency!

    March 12th, 2007 | #

  3. Tawni says

    You are an amazing woman becuase I honestly do not think I could go through what you just did. You have really been on my mind for the past couple days and I really wish you and your family healing, hope and happiness. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to take away the pain you are feeling right now, but know that you are in a lot of peoples prayers. Take care of yourself and go give your son a big hug. Sometimes I grab my daughter, cry my eyes out, hug her till she turns blue and then I feel so much better. I love how she looks at me with those eyes and wonders why I am so upset. Then she gives me this little smile and my world turns bright again. Take care…

    March 12th, 2007 | #

  4. Becca Levie says

    Kristjana, thanks so much for sharing, you’ll never know how many people you have helped. Love and Prayers to you, Casey and Kenny.

    March 12th, 2007 | #

  5. Morgan says

    Having just recently gone through a miscarriage, I completley understand where you are coming from. I am so sorry that you have to go through this! We’ll keep you in our thoughts & prayers! xoxo

    March 12th, 2007 | #

  6. svea says

    I am so sorry for your loss. That little one will be missed. We had a miscarriage this past fall, terribly hard and emotional. I am blessed to hear that you and your husband are coming together through everything. God has blessed you with a good man. My husband was a tender rock for me as well. May God be your warm shower soothing your aches inside and out today.

    March 12th, 2007 | #

  7. Dana says

    Praying for you and wishing you the best. You’re a strong woman!

    March 29th, 2007 | #

  8. MommyBlog » Whatever My Lot says

    […] two in the morning on the fourth, I started spotting a little, and since I’d lost a baby just four months ago, we went to the ER first thing in the morning to get checked out.   We were told by the sonographer […]

    July 6th, 2007 | #

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