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Mom, Growing Up

October 15th, 2006

One of the blogs that I regularly read for its gorgeous prose and thought-provoking posts, The Wallpaper of My Mind, caught my breath tonight.   Her entry from Friday,  speaks some of the most beautiful words a mother could about the lovely and sometimes heartbreaking sacrifice it can be to put all of your life’s ambition on hold to stay home a raise a child.   Not that this sacrifice is not both noble and exciting.   The rewards are priceless, the thrill of watching your little one morph from a helpless infant into a little person is incredible joy.   And yet…

And yet there are things that you may want to do that you slowly realize you may never will.   Pieces of yourself, preferences, idiosyncrocies even, that you have to deny and suppress, all for the greater good of staying home to be with your child.   There are no lazy afternoons, sitting at cafes, reading and writing, sipping coffee and letting the air and the setting envelop you.   That was something I used to do several times a week when I was single… and I kind-of know that those days won’t really come back again for a long, long time.  

Oh, but I wouldn’t trade a minute, a second of this blissfully wild life of motherhood for a thousand sun-soaked afternoons at a sidewalk cafe.   You see, Kenny fills me up with something I didn’t know was missing until I had him.   Just like my marriage to Casey has made me  more than I was before, and deeper than I could have been alone.   Just like God created us to become man and wife, no longer two, but one.   Just like He called us to live in community, to have families and to put others before ourselves.   That’s why I stay home.   I want to watch my little one in all his triumphs and trials; I want to take care of my home so that Casey can come home to a haven.   I want to give more than I take from the people I love most in the world.

But just today I caught myself several times in a silent “woe is me” state, staring into space  with tears threatening to spill out of my eyes.   Why?   Because I couldn’t sit through a whole church service without pulling out cheerios and toys from my purse, only to end up in the fellowship hall  anyway during the sermon.   Because I couldn’t go for a long bike ride in the autumn air and forget about the clock.   Because I remembered all the housework I’m behind on and laundry to fold instead of just enjoying the day and loving on my man and my boy.  

After reading Misha’s post, I find myself contemplating the depth of love that I have for Casey and Kenny.   Remembering the miracle that is my marriage, the miracle that is our child and the incredible blessing that our life is.   Is it possible to remember to keep that at the forefront of my head all the time, instead of indulging myself in the selfish attitude I so often find myself in?   I resolve to try.   Because I really wouldn’t trade any of this for the world.

1 Comment »

  1. svea says

    well written, Misha\’s post made me ponder too. and you would think you and I are living in the same body, as just today I spent part of the church service in the lobby while my little pumpkin was having a snotty-nosed sleepy-eyed clingy moment. I want a bike ride too!!!!! but we are on a much bigger deeper more beautiful path. Cheers to you on the journey. i will be back to read your blog again

    October 15th, 2006 | #

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