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Thinking Things Through

March 22nd, 2007

Tonight makes two weeks since I lost my baby.   I’m slowing getting to the point where it’s not the first thing I think about every minute of the day.   But I am still crying at odd moments, still crying as I fall asleep, and my heart still aches when I wake up.   Watching Kenny today as he trundled race cars across the living room floor, it hit me once again that not only have Casey and I lost another child, but that Kenny lost a sibling.   I see the way his face lights up at the park when he sees other little guys, and I want so desperately for him to grow up with a whole gaggle of little brothers (or sisters).

Casey was taking to a friend on the phone today who gave him a new perspective on what has happened to us.   This man told Casey that his wife had masicarried in between the births of their second and third child.   Apparently they had always planned to have three children, and so after the birth of their third child, a girl, they realized that she would never have been born if the miscarriage hadn’t  have happened.   He said that they remember that all the time; that without losing a baby, they never would have had her.

It’s an interesting way of looking at things.   I can definitely understand his thinking, and appreciate it as well.   It’s still hard, though, to not know if I will have any other children yet.   Maybe someday down the road, I’ll be able to look back and say something along those lines, but right now, all I can see is that I lost out on a tiny little life waiting to be born.   All I can do is mourn the baby I’ll never get to meet until I get to heaven.

It’s interesting, too, what people say when you tell them that you’ve had  a miscarriage.   Most say what I would have most likely said before this happened: “Oh!   I’m so sorry!   …. Well, you can always have another one!”   I want to stare them down and say, “I had a life inside me and it died.   Maybe someday I will have another one, but I wanted That One!”   Don’t tell me “it was probably for the best” or “God must have needed that little one in Heaven” or “at least it happened early.”   I know that most are well-meaning, but they sting like a thousand bees.

I’ll tell you what is the right thing to say.   My  brother-in-law’s wife  said, “I’m so sorry about what happened.   I don’t want to bring it up and make you sad, but I want you to know that we’re thinking of you.”   And my other brother-in-law’s new bride just put her arms around me and said, “I am praying for you.   Tell me if there’s anything I can do.”    

I am so grateful for what I have: for Casey, for Kenny and for our families.   If that’s all I ever have, it is already more than enough.   We’re blessed beyond belief, and I don’t take any of that for granted.   Still, I miss my baby, and I think I probably always will.

6 Comments »

  1. Jennifer says

    I know exactly how you feel. I heard many of the same comments people make when they are trying to “comfort” you. Most of them made we want to scream. You will never forget the baby you lost, but each day will get easier. They say that if you have a miscarriage, you at least know you can get pregnant. So I wish you the best at getting pregnant again and growing your family! I can’t wait for my son to play with his little brother to be also!

    March 23rd, 2007 | #

  2. Kimmie says

    Sorry that I can’t be there for you. We could just sit and talk, cry and pray together. I’m only a phone call away if you need an ear. Miss you

    March 23rd, 2007 | #

  3. Mom Knight says

    ditto kim’s message. love you, mommie

    March 23rd, 2007 | #

  4. Milaka says

    The most healing thing that anyone said when I had my miscarriage was, “Give it
    over to God. He knows firsthand what it’s like to lose a child.” Wow. That
    was such a comfort.

    My miscarriage came between my first child and second child. I have the same
    thoughts as your friend when I pick up my son. If I hadn’t miscarried, this
    little guy wouldn’t have come along. I am so thankful for my little guy, but I
    will forever mourn the child that I have in heaven.

    I found this blog as I searched for mom blogs. I’m glad I found it. I’m
    praying for you!

    March 24th, 2007 | #

  5. Dayngr says

    I wish you comfort, kindness and bountiful blessings. Hug everyone a little tighter and hang in there because people are praying for you.

    March 25th, 2007 | #

  6. LeAnne says

    With my 2 miscarriages I had alot of people say those things to me. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster ride for me and my husband. I cried alot. My husband cried. I still think of my baby. I’m better, but I will still get teary-eyed and I can totally understand those who’ve had this happened. It REALLY hurts!

    March 25th, 2007 | #

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