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Whatever My Lot

July 6th, 2007

When peace like a river attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll… Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, “It is well, it is well, with my soul”

That hymn has been running through my head for the last two days… I had another miscarriage on the fourth of July.   I was seven weeks pregnant (I’d known about the baby for about four weeks) and Casey and I were waiting until my eight-week check-up to start telling our family and friends the glorious news.   At two in the morning on the fourth, I started spotting a little, and since I’d lost a baby just four months ago, we went to the ER first thing in the morning to get checked out.   We were told by the sonographer that there were two gestational sacks (meaning that there were possibly twins) but no fetal poles (meaning that either the dates were wrong, or that I had a blighted ovum).   We were supposed to go in Thursday morning to look again and talk to the OB about what might be going on, but as the fireworks started that night, the bleeding and cramping got much worse.   I spent most of the night in the ER, then returned the next morning (yesterday) for a D&C.   The doctors are hoping that some of the placenta can be analyzed to determine what may have caused two miscarriages so close together.

I feel like I’ve been beaten up.   Physically, I am sore and exhausted.   Emotionally I feel like my heart has been shredded.   I am alternately numb and disbelieving, then angry and shaking, then weeping uncontrollably for the babies I will never hold on this earth.   I look at Kenny and grieve for the brothers or sisters he’ll never know.     My heart aches to see Casey with cirles under his eyes and tears welling up.   I don’t understand why, how this has happened again.   I was so hopeful.   Each moment of morning sickness, each little physical reminder that my body was pregnant, and I rejoiced, sure that this was going to work out perfectly; that  I would be happy and fat at Christmas and deliver a healthy little one (or ones) around Valentine’s Day.   My body still thinks it’s pregnant, and the nausea that wells up in my throat is like a knife twisting in my heart.  

I don’t know what else to say, or even what to think.   I look at Kenny and once again I am stunned by the miracle that he is, by the incredible gift that God has given us in this little boy.   I look at Casey and marvel at the man that he is; the husband and father he has grown into in the last few years, and I rejoice that God has blessed me with this family.   And yet the ache in my heart is still throbbing.  

Before this happened, even in the excitement over another pregancy, I still found tears welling up as I thought of the precious little baby we lost in March.   I was still grieving over that, and now this new loss has ripped the wound open again.   We are waiting on a pathology report to confirm whether or not it was twins.   Either way, the hurt is the same.

And Lord, haste the day, when the faith shall be sight; The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.   The trump shall resound and the Lord shall descend, Even so, It is well with my soul…

15 Comments »

  1. Suzi says

    Oh Honey- I am so sorry for the loss of the baby (ies). Please feel my hug as I lift you all in prayer. Cling to Jesus. Wail when you need to, and then cling some more. You are loved. Call when you are ready for coffee on the veranda. It’s a healing, quiet place.

    July 6th, 2007 | #

  2. Audrey - Pinks & Blues says

    Oh Kristjana… I feel your pain from the depths of my soul. I miscarriage last March 21st. It was devastating to me. After having 2 boys… everyone around me kept saying it’s a girl… and I was 8 weeks when I found out there was no heartbeat. I named that beautiful baby BB… because to me, it was and always would be a beautiful baby – the BB. I planted a garden in honor of this baby… and prayed to this baby every day and night when I was trying to get pregnant again. I want you to know that I feel your pain. I have been there. I have cried and cried and pondered why… there are almost no words that can ease the pain… but no that you have people thinking about you… and praying for you… and knowing that you will hold another baby in your arms, and that beautiful baby will be an amazing miracle from God above.
    Much love,
    Audrey
    Pinks & Blues Girls

    July 6th, 2007 | #

  3. Kimmie says

    I love you sis. Call on me anytime. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m praying for you, Casey and Kenny.

    July 6th, 2007 | #

  4. Jennifer says

    Prayers and hugs coming your way! I suffered a miscarriage before the birth of my son, I know it is a wound that doesn’t show but leaves a scar that never quite heals. God bless you and your family!

    July 6th, 2007 | #

  5. Milaka says

    I am hurting with you! I lost a baby between Princess and Buddy. It was a strange and surreal time. I know that it is difficult. Please rest in the Lord. Remember that He is your strength. He is here for you.

    July 6th, 2007 | #

  6. LeAnne says

    I’m so sorry. Believe me, I understand the feeling. I lost 2 back-to-back. One in January and one in July of 2004. It hurt so bad. Then there was Joshua. God knows about what you’re going through. He sees it all and is still in control.

    July 6th, 2007 | #

  7. Crisanne says

    You all are in my prayers. Thanks for being so real with your feelings and reminding us that it’s ok to be angry in times of frustration. I pray that the Lord will wrap His arms around you and carry you and your family through this diffucult time.

    July 7th, 2007 | #

  8. Moving Mama says

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Just like the ladies above, I had a miscarriage between my two boys after trying for a long time to conceive again. The pain is intense and I just feel for you.

    July 7th, 2007 | #

  9. Randi says

    (Hello, lurker here. I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now.) I feel your pain, know and understand it all too well! I went through two miscarriages before having my precious son. We are currently trying for Number 2, and a day doesn’t go by without God teaching me about His grace, and His timing. Not to mention trusting in Him totally that I don’t have those problems again that I had before I got my son. (But yet the fear is always there, for me.) My thoughts and prayers are with you and your precious family. I send you many cyber hugs. God bless you.

    July 7th, 2007 | #

  10. LanceyPants says

    Oh, Kristjana, my heart breaks for you. Thank you, thought, for your amazing courage in your honesty.

    July 7th, 2007 | #

  11. akinvt says

    I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage before my first and it took a long time to deal with the sense of loss.

    July 11th, 2007 | #

  12. Sarah says

    I’m so sorry for your loss… you are absolutely right in believing that everything is part of God’s master plan. He is all-knowing and only does what is best for your family. I will keep you, Casey, Kenny, and the babies in my prayers.

    July 12th, 2007 | #

  13. Cindy says

    Hello again ,
    I had wrote earlier to you not seeing this page first.Time does make it a little better and getting pregnant will too .Like me at 17 weeks this time and finding out at the appt . that the heartbeat had stopped has really killed me and scares me even if I get preg .I will be scared until I meet him or her.I have decided to take some college courses to keep my mind off things until I get preg. again .I have a 14girl,11 yr girl and almost 3 year old that would have sharedd the possible twins b’day.God does have a perfect plan for your life. write to me any time you need a friend. Cindy

    July 17th, 2007 | #

  14. Dana says

    ‘It is well with my soul,” of the best hymns ever. Honestly, I don’t know how you handle it. I have a difficult time just reading your experiences; my heart is soft. I don’t believe that God gives us more than we can handle and as such I admire your strength.

    All the best.

    August 16th, 2007 | #

  15. MommyBlog » Baby Mine says

    […] center pendant is for this baby, due today, and the two on each side for the twins that we lost in July.   It is the most beautiful necklace I’ve ever seen, though wrapped in it’s beauty is […]

    October 22nd, 2007 | #

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