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I Can Only Imagine

July 15th, 2007

Four days ago, Casey and I had our pastor and his wife over to our house for dinner and a small service for the babies we have lost over these past four months.   I can only begin to describe what an incredible beginning to healing that time was.     Just to have two other people weep with us was such a comfort; they both had thoughtful and compassionate things to say, and both offered prayers that lifted my heart.

One of the things our pastor suggested to me was to find a quiet time and sit in the chair I would have sat in to nurse the babies, and close my eyes and imagine all their attributes – what they looked like, their personalities, and their faces, and then allow myself to really feel all the love I had for them.   Then, when I was ready, to physically lift my arms up and imagine that I was giving them back to God, to keep in Heaven until the day I will see them again.   As I was praying the next morning, I did that.   What I saw in my mind’s eye was three young men (of course I imagine the babies as boys – since I have a little boy, it’s all I know!), standing at a bridge, looking over the wall and down below at me.   They were all radiant and smiling, even exuberantly joyful, and they waved at me and I could feel their affection wash over me.     As I looked at them and they at me, I understood that where they were was far more wonderful than where I was.   And I knew that they had no sorrow, no regret, and no loss.   I could almost hear one of them say, “Buck up, Mom.   We’ll see you soon!”   And then they turned to go.   I have been replaying that little scene over and over in my mind, and though I’m not claiming it as prophetic or clairvoyant, I do feel better having imagined it.

Another friend sent us this verse, which has been running through my mind… Isaiah 49:18: “…all your sons gather and come to you.   ‘As surely as I live,’ declares the Lord, “You will wear them all as ornaments; you will put them on, like a bride.”  

This weekend has been a good one.   Yesterday Casey and I ran in a 5K race to support the Annapolis area Friends of Sudan project.   The course was impossibly hilly, and I, being the superwoman that I am, ran the race with Kenny in the jogging stroller.   My superwoman friend Kimberly did the same with her daughter in the jogger, who is five weeks younger than Kenny, and would have skunked me, if not for the fact that Sarah kept throwing her sippy cup and snacks out onto the street.   I made like a bandit and snaked past her, sneaky friend that I am!   We had to start in the back of the pack, due to our accessories, and yet both of us managed to pass at least half the runners to end in good time.   Casey, in his second only road race, and with no training on hills, managed a finish time of 28:30, and I, with my 40 pound push-cart, came in at a respectable (so I say) 29:12.     It was the hills that killed me… but I was decently pleased, and even more so that Casey and I went out to do it together.   Next year, he gets the stroller, though…

We are both scheduled to run in the Annapolis 10 Miler this August 27th: it is cited as one of the most difficult non-marathon races in the country.   It is brutally hot (averaging 90 with humidity at race time), and the course is entirely hills… hills as in straight up and straight down. We ran it together the first summer we were married (five months before I found out we were having Kenny), and we are training hard for it again.   I am a little worried about my post-pregnancy bladder-control.   And the fact that my abdominal muscles are non-existent.   Thank goodness strollers are verbotten for this one… but it does become a great training tool.


  1. Kimberly says

    Let me set the record straight…. Kristjana is like a gazelle! She would have still left me in the dust if she ran backwards! What a modest momma!

    On a serious note, wow …that visual with your babies brought tears to my eyes…

    July 15th, 2007 | #

  2. LeAnne says

    My eyes got a little misty too. I had to stop reading for a moment. I’m so glad that you have gotten thru the 1st step in the healing process.

    I’m also glad to know that I”m not the only one with bladder control issues!! I have to be really careful when I sneeze or cough, etc. Not so much when I’m at home, but when I’m in the middle of the dept store. ugh.

    July 16th, 2007 | #

  3. pinks & blues girls says

    What a beautiful image you created of seeing your babies in heaven.

    And you totally ARE superwoman! A 5K in under 30 minutes with a 40-lb. stroller weighing you down!? That’s impressive!

    Jane, P&B Girls

    July 16th, 2007 | #

  4. WarriorLady says

    Let me start by saying that I am a friend of your sister’s. She called on me to pray for you on the 4th. And you have been in my prayers every since. I am so glad that your pastor and his wife were able to help you. Your visual brought tears to my eyes as well. I am continueing to pray for you.

    July 18th, 2007 | #

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